Alright Already!!!

I have not written on here in so so long... I can barely claim to have a blog. I'm feeling inspired to write a little simply because I feel great. I have been working hard lately to get in shape, be healthy and to be in a good state of mind. All of these things have been coming together. I work out at the gym a few days a week and it's been making a huge difference in my mind set. Even if I'm not seeing a crazy difference in my physique, at least I'm not so ready to kill someone as I typically would be. Who knew that simple visit to the gym would ward off my homicidal tendencies?!?

I almost forgot to mention that I went to Colorado recently. This is the view out of my hotel room door. Nothing super fancy or anything. It was just wonderful to have something to look at other than metal and steel when I got up in the morning. The altitude was a bit rough on my asthmatic lungs but other than that I had a wonderfully relaxing trip. I also made a mad dash to Rhode Island last weekend for a short little visit with my man while he was on the road. What a treat to see him after 6 long weeks. We had a tremendous time. Each time I reunite with him I realize just why I love him so much. No one has the ability to make me smile and laugh the way he does. He brings a light to my life that was not there before and I adore him for being such an amazing guy. Ok, ok... enough gushing.

Damnit!!

My god I'm getting crows feet already!!!

Million Dollar Baby

So I'm sitting in my car on 8th Avenue... I just noticed that I may be physically inable to start a passage without using the word "So"... hmph.



As I was saying, before my psyche so rudely interrupted...



Last night I'm sitting in my car on 8th avenue between 30th and 31st street, the block before MSG/Penn Station and the big Post office. I'm parked in front of a bar, liquor store, sex shop and a pizza shop, sequetially. Now my car isn't new by any means, but not the worst of the bunch either. It's a little 95 VW Jetta, complete with crank windows, stick shift, and floor mats. One of the only redeeming qualities is the sun roof, which I use constantly. Last night was a nice night, so I have my roof open, and the front windows down about a 1/3 of the way, when suddenly this greasy european dude in a pair of khaki's and a button down, reaches his hand into my window toward me. Meanwhile, I am on the phone totally unsuspecting of this and look over to see this hand reaching toward me and I pretty much bug the fuck out. With my Golden Glove instincts intact I grab onto greasy eurodudes hand and dont let go as I punch away at it as hard and fast as I can. (I know I definitely broke at least a bone or two of his.) All the while he's screaming 'ok! ok!' until he eventually breaks free and dives into traffic and into a cab to get away from the impending doom of fuckin with the Million Dollar Baby... Chuck Norris would be proud.

My knuckles are now swollen and my fingers look like sausages. Ouch.

I can't write.

So I had a real long, hard, much needed cry the other night. Wrote an entire post and cried through the entire thing. And then realized that I'm not as open to be so vulnerable as I thought I was. I can't just put everything out there as easily as I thought. I don't want everyone to know everything. I don't know if I want to face it all myself half of the time. So I bottle that stuff back up and put it up on a shelf to deal with at another time. I keep going back to hearing Jill Scott in one of her songs saying 'every thing ain for everybody...'

What I will share though is the fact that I'm HUNGRY. And when I say HUNGRY, I mean HUNGRY. I tried to switch up my breakfast routine from one of my usual staples and I'm paying dearly for it today. It's 11:3o and I'm ready to gnaw on my own arm at this point.

Ho-hum

Anybody got an Iron pill?

I'm not sure how, but for a moment when I started typing this blog, it was being converted into Hindi... strange...

I think I'm going to impose a bedtime for myself soon. Recently, many people have pointed out how tired I look. I've also noticed how tired I feel, which validates what I have been in denial about for ages. I definitely do NOT get enough sleep. I feel like the walking dead most days. Even as I type this, I am sitting at my desk, eyes closed, allowing Zen to guide my fingers to the proper keys. I think that the old saying of there 'not being enough hours in the day' rings especially true for me. I am forever on the go. I think that I just might do more in one day than most do in a week. Now that I have a car, I am extraordinarily efficient. (yeah yeah, I know you're probably tired of hearing about my car by now...) Now that I have a car, I can leap buildings in a halfa single bound, no problem. Somethings gotta give soon though or I'm gonna fall out on the street one day of sheer exhaustion. The boyfriend has been suggesting a day at the spa for a while, but I don't know if that's going to cut it. I may need more than that. I've also got to evaluate if I'm getting enough nutrition in my diet. Since I went back to being a veg, I noticed that I'm a bit more lethargic. Somebody get me some greens and quick! Ha! I just got a picture in my head of this pregnant woman my friend Sharyn and I spotted a few weeks back. She was walking down the street devouring a whole head of lettuce as though it were an apple that was begging to be eaten. Haahhaha, on another delirious tangent... I was in front of the hospital (at work) the other day, and I got to witness two blind people, one with a guide dog and the other with a cane, collide giving them both a jolt! I know it's not SUPPOSED to be funny, but I found it effin hilarious and would be money that the average person will never in their life get to experience that scene. HAHAHA. My delirium is taking over. Time to sign out for now... Funny it's only 11:53 am and I'm so sleepy I can' barely see straight.

Cars Rule.

I gots a car!!!! Root RooOooOoOHHH! (um... that just came out like a rooster. oops)

I'm so very excited to announce that I am no longer vehicularly challenged. I can drive whenever the heck I wanna!!!!! Thanks to my friend Laura being my chaperon on my road test, I am a legal driver in the state of NY. And thanks to good ol' GW Bush's tax thingy, I could pay for insurance and registration fees for my little hoopdy. I'll write more on this later. I need a moment to compose myself...

Pinochle!!!

The more time goes by, I realize just how much I love this man. The gruff sound of his voice brings the biggest smile to my face. I daydream of the feeling of his arms around me. Never has another mans body fit spooned up against mine as his. He is my favorite giant. His whit and his simplistic charm wins me over from the grumpiest of fits. I may be putting him on a pedistal right now, but I don't mind. This is a profession of love and it's completely appropriate on this occasion. I admit, there are times when I feel as though I might not be able to bear any more. The distance between us at times feels so vast and overwhelming that I might suffocate from the breathlessness of preceived abandonment. I am learning that this just brings me to a deeper appreciation of his attention, affection and love when he is present. There are times that I am so showered by his love that I might drown in delight of it. YES I am loving this man and basking in the warmth of his returned love. I am a cheesey girl and I don't care who sees it. I hope that others will be so lucky to experience this sensation. I don't know how I lived so long without it. Life was definitely bland without it.

Cars Cars Cars...

I'm super excited as today I am going to start looking at cars. It's been 4 years since I last owned a car (forgive me father for I have sinned). I can almost feel the wheel within my grip as I skip through the 8 billion ads on craigslist. The task of calling has been quite amusing at times and quite annoying at others. I had one man bark one word answers to my inquiries about the state of the condition of the car and repair history. Yep. Summed up all answers in ONE WORD ANSWERS. Then suddenly in the middle of the conversation (mostly one sided as it was) he blurts out, call me back! I want to go to sleep! Then proceeds to hang up on me. It's no wonder his car hasn't sold yet. He's not much of a salesman. So the contenders for my hard earned dollars at this point are...

Saab 900SE

VW Jetta GL

Mercedes Benz 190E

I should have a decision by tomorrow if all goes well. Hopefully I will be on the road by Monday... Keep your fingers crossed and get out your helmets... I'm ready to drive!

Mooooonshkiface...

So this is one of the cutest little moonshki babies I've seen in a while. My friend Sonia is finally 'out of this belly' as she puts it. This is Marcus. He is a whole 14 hours old in this picture. Pretty darn cute huh? Too bad I've only got to see him all of an hour so far. I've been sick forever now and really would love to just go eat this baby for dinner.

I'm updating my blog, yo!

I'm not feelin especially healthy today. I'm eating soup and sweating with a not so cute fever. I guess I could look on the bright side of things, I didn't just push out a baby like my friend Sonia did a few hours ago. She probably feels a little worse than I do right now. Guess I'll suck it up. This has been a week of pondering both life and death. The anniversary of my fathers death was on Tuesday and a new life has arrived by way of Sonia's womb this morning. I don't particularly have anything profound or whitty to say at this moment as my thoughts are overrun with my soaring temperature and just how unbelievably hot it feels in here (says the girl who is notoriously cold). I'm gonna finish my soup and try this again later, yo...

One Flaw in Women

I can't remember who sent this to me, but I came across it today and it hit home so I decided to share it.

Jelly Belly...

In the midst of my recognition that I need a bit of transformation, the boythingy so conveniently pointed out my protruding belly. "What's this??" he teases as he nudges a finger into my poonch. I gasp in shame and suck it in replying "Nothing... I don't know what you're talking about!". Obviously shamed, I am immediately soothed with a hug and reassurance that I don't look like a wheel barrel, immediately followed by the encouragement to do crunches. Being that I respect his opinion, and also the knowledge that the poonch definitely needs to go, I have started the crunch regimen. Right before I go to sleep and immediately when I wake up, I am now struggling through 50 crunches. "When did it get so tough to do 50 crunches?" I asked myself after the first grueling set. Then I remembered that I had gained approximately 45 pounds and it had all become so suddenly clear when. So here I stand, completely aware and truthful with myself. I need to do crunches... A whole lotta crunches...

My new haircut...

So I cutted my hairs off! Well, not really, but really...

I have been feelin a bit yucky on the appearance lately. Been wanting a change that matched the transition that I've been going through. The reality of my 30's have been hitting home a bit lately. I have been feeling like I look as old if not older than I am. I have vouched to start exercising again after a lonnnnnnng pause due to an injury to my foot. I've gained a few inches since then and would like to bid them fairwell, but I gotta do some work to push em out the door. So here I am with a new haircut, and a fresh start. St. Patty's Day is my starting point (and my man's birthday!). So it's a good day to make a commitment to myself to continue the transformation into the woman I hope to become.

Here goes nothin...

My mother recently lost her boyfriend of 14 years. I was fortunate enough to go spend time with her in Arizona to keep her company during a really tough time. I can only imagine how she feels having lost him after so many years. As much of an old curmudgen as he was, she loved him so much. Being out there also gave me an opportunity to heal both physically and emotionally. These were my surroundings. Nothing quite like some fresh air to move through the pain.

My non-blog...

So I am inspired to start my non-blog today. A nice little journal all out in the open for all to see. A friend inspired me to move beyond the walls of Myspace and into a more wide open forum to express myself. The last few weeks have been a bit trying. I have moved on from a destructive and unhealthy situation with a man from my past. In the guise of being 'uplifting' and 'enlightening' to me, he has bled me of my time, attention and money. Yes even money. I'm not afraid to admit that I am a giving person. Even to a fault. I have been known to give to others even neglecting my self of my own needs, let alone wants, in the wake of it. I have learned to be more cautious. I have learned that sometimes it's best to leave the past in the past.

I am stronger today than I have ever been. The lessons I have learned will only serve to better me. I WILL NOT LET FALLING PEOPLE PULL ME DOWN WITH THEM.

I am Wonder Woman.

I will fly this Invisible Plane till the wings fall off...